by Diana Welsch
If you’re anything like me, you probably masturbate to a lot of internet pornography when your parents aren’t home. Your father probably beat off to the underwear models in the Sears catalog, and his father before him surely spanked it to phonograph recordings of heavy breathing and slapping sounds surreptitiously purchased at the five-and-dime.
Now, your great-grandfather, however, probably shook hands with the happy clown to thoughts of sensual full-bottomed ladies in silken gloves and frilly underthings that he viewed for a price at his local Veteran’s outpost. The kind of babes that could swallow a sword like they were eating a juicy nectarine, and wield a feathered fan with the same casual grace that modern women wield car keys. We’re talking about real women. Sexy ones.
Today, you can be as fortunate as your great-grandfather. Well, maybe not today. But soon. On Monday, February 22, you have the opportunity to attend the Pretty Things Peep Show at Trunk Space. A trio of fine ladies (and one outrageously mustachioed gentleman) will bring you a burlesque and sideshow performance beyond your wildest dreams. Bettina May, Go-Go Amy, Miss Heather Holliday, and the fantastic Donny Vomit will dance, prance, and sport their pasties and merkins in a manner so erotic, you’ll have no choice but to chomp down on libido-blunting foods such as corn flakes and graham crackers in order to fan the flames of your desire.
As an added bonus, this spicy show falls on President’s Day. Abraham Lincoln almost certainly had to make do with daguerrotypes of women’s exposed wrists and ankles, and George Washington had nothing more than crudely-carved stone figurines. Do it for your forefathers. Do it for America. Come to Trunk Space on February 22, purchase an ice-cold sarsaparilla, pay the $10 in advance or $15 at the door, and give that internet pornography a run for its money.